Being Mom

I have been a mother for almost nine months now but the experience has been life changing.

I am once a free spirited, random and unbounded woman. I get to go out whenever I like, with whoever I want to be with and to wherever I want to go. I am a regular guest of bars and other leisure house every weekends.  I get to travel almost every week to places I want to visit. Everyday always ends with satisfaction and height of enjoyment for I was only thinking about what makes me happy, about me, myself and I. 

Ever since my son came, I had drastic lifestyle change. I don't get to party and get alcohol high all night long. I don't get to spend so much time just to hang out, chill and talk about almost everything with my girlfriends. I don't get to go home late from an unplanned road trip. Not to mention, I don't get to have a day of intimacy with my other half for there already came an angel depending everything on me to live, my son. Since he came, I have been busy attending to all his needs. I have embraced motherhood both with an open heart and at the same time fear. 

I am happy being blessed with a son as beautiful as Cean Drei. He has continuously given me the drive to never entertain complains about my backaches, sleepless nights, thrown tantrums, depression, broken heart and the list goes on. Just to see him grow each day gives me the fulfillment that I did great raising him. Just to see him smile and giggle sweeps away all my exhaustion. He consumes me and my entirety.

Yes, I also fear being a full-time mom not only because he is my first child and I don't have all the know-how's dealing with such a fragile creature but also because I fear that I may not be the best mom he deserves. I mean, I still feel some insecurity being a mom at a young age that I may not be able to go out and practice my profession by the time he can be left at another's care, that I may not be able to provide all my son's needs in  pursuing all his dreams and aspirations as he grows learning more about the world, and a lot more. All summed up, I fear that I may not meet all the demands that a mother should be able to provide to her child. If that would be the case, it would really crush me to the bone.

But hey! It's too early to tell. Every single day is a unique learning experience and with that I get to grow and be more mature towards everything. Since I have embraced motherhood with open arms, my son taught me one of life's greatest lessons which is patience. He has taught me how to be patient that I was able to take one step at a time, that I don't get to force to do things not meant to be done at this time, that I don't get to enjoy now for it is certain that all my sacrifices today will bear fruit tomorrow. 

Thank you my dear, Cean Drei for being my source of strength and determination. You are my life now. If all else fails, I know I have you, next to God. I love you, always, forever.

WHAT THE HELL?!

I love this song simply because it speaks out my thoughts on how I really want to express myself. This made my thoughts come to being. Of course I do not think like this every time. Only when I feel mad or bitter caused by happenings beyond my control. Indeed, it is true one can never control other people. I myself can not be controlled by anybody.

The kick-ass attitude of this song, so fierce! I want to have this same kind of spirit! The attitude of being 'palaban'. Wondering what is holding me back? If people do not get to respect and appreciate my care and affection on every relationship, then at least I get to respect myself's dignity. That, I will hold forever true and clean. I may have done so many wrongs in life, but with dignity I hold firm, I can never put myself down. I am never ashamed of what I am today.

To end, never underestimate me. I may be silent now but I can always learn to leave and live a better life without you. 

WHAT THE HELL - AVRIL LAVIGNE

You say that I'm messing with your head 

(yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah) 

All 'cause I was making out with your friend 

(yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah) 

Love hurts, whether it's right or wrong 

(yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah) 

I can't stop 'cause I'm having too much fun 

(yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah) 

You're on your knees, 

beggin' please 

'stay with me' 

But honestly, 

I just need to be a little crazy 

All my life I've been good but now, 

I'm thinking 'What the hell' 

All I want is to mess around, 

and I don't really care about 

If you love me, if you hate me, 

you can't save me, baby, baby 

All my life I've been good but now, 

whoa 'What the hell' 

What, 

What, 

What, 

What the hell 

So what if I go out on a million dates 

(yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah) 

You never call or listen to me anyway 

(yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah) 

I'd rather rage than sit around and wait all day 

(yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah) 

Don't get me wrong, 

I just need some time to play (yeah) 

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/what-the-hell-lyrics-avril-lavigne.html ]

You're on your knees, 

beggin' please 

'stay with me' 

But honestly, 

I just need to be a little crazy 

All my life I've been good but now, 

I'm thinking 'What the hell' 

All I want is to mess around, 

and I don't really care about 

If you love me, if you hate me, 

you can't save me, baby, baby 

All my life I've been good but now, 

whoa 'What the hell' 

La la la la la la la la, whoa, whoa 

La la la la la la la la, whoa, whoa 

You say that I'm messing with your head 

Boy, I like messing in your bed 

Yeah, I am messing with your head 

When I'm messing with you in bed 

All my life I've been good but now, 

I'm thinking what the hell (what the hell) 

All I want is to mess around and I don't really care about (I don't care about) 

All my life I've been good but now, I'm thinking what the hell 

All I want is to mess around and I don't really care about. (if you love me) 

If you love me (no), if you hate me (no) 

You can't save me, baby, baby (if you love me) 

All my life I've been good but now, whoa, what the hell 

Wake up!

These days, it is undeniably true how high the competition is in every aspect. The race to survive has been increasing dramatically. Job opportunities are inversely proportionate to job seekers. How sad it is to know that people are starting to settle for less than pursuing where one's passion is. Underemployment is beginning to be the new trend. This because people are left with the least choices or no choice at all. Cruel yet we just have to deal with it. Either we grab the nearest opportunity or we end up with nothing.

I would like to call out those entrepreneurs to continue building businesses having co-Filipinos as priority employees. Let's put to halt in giving the utmost support to foreign produce.  Yes, let's adapt their technology, techniques, and the like but let us invest HERE. Let's help each other. Just like the most successful countries in the world, let's patronize what is ours. Let our drive for nationalism be continuously driven. Let the fire keep ignited.

For all we know, in the end, it is also us Filipinos who will benefit from all these. It is better to grow together than putting oneself on top of everybody. One can't enjoy the fruit of labor alone. Selfishness must be buried deep. Change now or never.

Hands down - Dashboard Confessional

This song speaks so much about me and what has been unfolding in my life.

I could care less. When I love, I love with my all. No regrets.

I am just sad. Got teary eyed realizing how happy I was when I was with him.

Time flew so fast, indeed. Then tears roll down my cheeks. I miss those days so bad.

Literally missing the days when I come home late, 

doors locked so I have to climb up or wait outside.

Funny moments. No matter how embarrassing, it didn't matter because we were together.

Those days when I felt as if we were the perfect two.

It pains me to think that I am left hoping when will our time come.

It is always hard to wait, people being impatient by nature.

And yes, my heart is for you to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as a jewelry.

You had me from the start.

I love you and that is for keeps.

Detour

Detour. A diversion route. A route around a planned area of access. Note, a route around. Meaning, the route may be changed, but the destination stays the same.

Since then, I always wanted to be a CPA Lawyer. I was molded by my parents to become one. I was influenced by my grandparents to become one. I was surrounded by people who supports me in pursuing my dream. I was so much focused to be what they want me to be that I learned to love becoming one. Not to mention, I also wanted to be the best successor for the family business. I wanted to achieve to much for my family. I wanted to be the daughter they wanted me to be. Yet, life is not always as it seems. Life will never be as planned. A cliche, expect the unexpected and prepare for the worst.

So much had happened. So many people came and went off. So many events occurred. Tons of it. And one of them is this detour.

Yes. I need to take this detour. Because of this detour, a lot of my dreams and wants-to-be had been stopped. Well, I guess had been put to a temporary stop is the more appropriate term to use for that. I have to take this pause and give way to a more important task. Important, difficult, life changing task --- to be there for Drei.

I created a super typhoon to the family --- inevitably destructing. I made a mess out of my smooth-flowing life. I have hurt so many people, specially those who are dear to me. I messed up relationships. I messed up lives. I messed up plans. I messed up hopes and dreams. The list goes on. My point is, I messed up, big time.

So what? Am I too perfect for everyone that I am not allowed or even just capable of letting anybody down? Who am I? Wonder Girl? Bullshit to that. :) I ain't mad, of course. I just don't want to be judged because no one is even worthy to judge anybody. Are you God?

Anyway, now, I stopped attending law school, I stopped managing our business. But if it's for Drei, it is all worth it. :) Law school will always be there when I am ready. Managing the business will be my job when Drei's big enough. For now, I am a full time mum. And I am proud of it. Being one is never easy. But hey! No pain, no gain. :D

Alone.

Alone. Not the favorite song Ann Curtis loves to sing. Rather, I just want to be left alone. This time.

My mood swings are killing me. I go with the extremes, lately. In a minute or two, I am so happy, cheerful, bubbly, energetic, high! After, I just want to sit down, face the corner, cry, and blank stare outside. Yes, emotionally crazy. Bipolar? Nah. Not really.

There comes a time where I just don't want to talk. I don't want to see anybody. I don't want to text. I don't want to do chores. I don't want to move. I don't want to go out and shop. For a woman, shopping is really almost everything. :) Back on track, I just want to slack around, roll in bed, watch TV, slip beneath the comforter and sleep, or go on a road trip, all by myself.. I could really care less about anybody when I want to be alone. If you're dying that time, I guess I'll just have to look at you as you suffer dying. That kind of emotion. This is really a cycle for me. There will really come a point in time where I feel this way, detached.

However, I find this therapeutic to self. I get to bond with myself, again. I get to do stuff I love the most for myself. Like bathing for almost an hour, treating myself to the salon for a head-to-toe treatment, getting a massage, reading novels of my favorite author, or simply blogging. I get to think and rethink about everything running in my mind. I get to weigh things. To do this or that. To go here or there. To save or trash.

Being alone helps me dream big or even bigger. It makes me happy to foresee things, making hopes into reality. After being alone, I get so much energy to go back on track and live a happy life in this cruel world. This is my drug to feel better, rather than bitter, do more and all-hyped up.

Oh well, I guess I ain't the only one who finds this 'time alone' healthy. Maybe for you it isn't, but it is sure as hell good for me. :)