i AM alive

                                                                     
                                             
Today, I realized I'm alive.

Deep eh? Oh well, it just hit me from nowhere.
I guess thanks to not-doing-so-much today here in the office. Haha.

So, back to it. Indeed, I'm alive.
I felt so much today. I'm blessed for having my family, friends, job, skills, etc for without all these, I guess life is dull and dark. Yes, they are the rainbow painted across the blue skies. Naks! :)

Of course, every story is a double-edged sword. Not everything is about positivity and happiness. There is still this sorrow, this pain.

It just dawned upon me today. I remember this one somebody (person) or something (friendship), close to my heart, I hold dear [and whatever else I could think of to describe that mug] ;P

To be safe, let that being described be called 'The Thing'. :)

Again. The Thing came across my mind today. I just felt a little pang of sadness, more of a dismay actually. This is what I hate with expectations; it just gives you unpleasant feelings. Oh well. Normal as I am, I feel.

For the third time, again. Yes, I felt sad because all this time, I thought The Thing would always be there, always around. What adds to this unpleasant feeling is the realization I felt while thinking 'Well, I guess The Thing left nothing for me anymore. The Thing accomplished its mission/job so why bother staying?' That feeling. I just kills me.

Friendship is more than anything. I believe it can surpass anything and strengthen with time. But I guess, this one is an exception. I guess The Thing is not meant to last, it's just a hype, a fever; like fashion, it fades.

What really irritates me is I felt somewhat betrayed? If that's the right term for this. Why? Because I myself treasured those shared moments, the ups and downs of the friendship, the sleepless nights just hanging-around together or over the phone. Just those little stuffs, collected and remembered, piled up into a great friendship. But boom! It was all me. I was the only one saving little treasures. 

Unfair? Well, fairness isn't ruling reality, yeah?

The Thing, for whoever or whatever you may be, thank you for teaching me not to live my life just for something like you. At least, I have all this space, here within in, to be filled with something more worthy to be treasured.

PS. This I write generally speaking with no intention at all directing to one person/thing.

Have a great week everyone! :)

One Friday

Okay, today is Friday. Excited for the weekend even if my list of activities is still down to doing nothing.

Well, what do I have in mind. Malling? Nah. I'd rather stay home. Outing? It'll drain me for sure, I won't have the energy to burn for the coming workweek. Movies? Could be! That would be a nice. I hope great movies are on screen this time.

Ah, I remember. I have this lunch date with my girlfriends. Yep, Nedi and Katherine. There's so much catching-up to be done. We've been off our chikka moments for a month now. Well, that just shows how busy we are earning...money. What else could it be? :)

At least that is one thing I'm looking forward to. We live with tight schedule now but at least we still find time to bond even just for an hour or two.

I'm still at work and you would prolly be wondering why I'm doing this. One answer: I'm fighting against drowsyness. This is a better option for me over pinning my eyelids up. LOL! :D


Ohhh! I forgot. The premises was off-line this morning so my supervisor and I, together with two more officers went out for a roadtrip. We accompanied her driving her hubby to Polomolok. That was indeed a breather! Before heading back to office, we visited Poor Clare Monastery, still at Polomolok. It was quiet. Serene. Peaceful.

That's about it for today. :)

<Drafted February 24,2012>

Healthy Heart, Anyone?

'Positive emotions for a healthy heart.'

This one I quoted from one of the commentaries I received through email. Yes, I subscribe to such for I love reading materials which are of light and feel-good topics. My goal is not to absorb everything that is written but just to pick-up lines which I find interesting, worth to be contemplated on, where ideas shoot from almost the whole of my brain. Imagine how many ideas are those given I am big-headed. :)

Kidding aside, I write at this hour for I am having this battle against drowsiness. You know, Filipinos are used to this thing called 'Siesta'. Thanks to the Spaniards, we got a good excuse for yawning, often. :D

The move I can say that really helped me a lot in moving on (okay, too much use of 'move') is convincing myself that the past is done and all I can do is to pick myself up and be back on track. :) Watched the movie 'This Means War'? I love that line there saying there are no mistakes; if there is, you couldn't have been here where you are. True, true, true. So rejoice with your mistakes for it made you a better person; wiser, tougher, stronger.

Back to it, I believe this is entirely true. I am a living witness to this. I just recently found my way out from depression. I managed it by starting not to worry as much as I did; I tried enternalizing the Law of 
Attraction; I changed my daily routine into something more fun and enjoyable; keeping in mind that it's never the end because I am clinging to this hope that in time, all will fall into place. Won't it?


Indeed, it is up to ourselves on how we handle things, on how we stand up after a great, if not very great, fall. Take it easy on yourself; even with petty mistakes or conflicts, it takes time to mend things. Relax if you don't want to get bald in no time, take it from me. I've been there, done that. Good thing though, I still got hair left after I had my hair-fall-madness due to depression, stress and instability. :)


To end, all I can say is... LOOK AT ME NOW. <3

Being Mom

I have been a mother for almost nine months now but the experience has been life changing.

I am once a free spirited, random and unbounded woman. I get to go out whenever I like, with whoever I want to be with and to wherever I want to go. I am a regular guest of bars and other leisure house every weekends.  I get to travel almost every week to places I want to visit. Everyday always ends with satisfaction and height of enjoyment for I was only thinking about what makes me happy, about me, myself and I. 

Ever since my son came, I had drastic lifestyle change. I don't get to party and get alcohol high all night long. I don't get to spend so much time just to hang out, chill and talk about almost everything with my girlfriends. I don't get to go home late from an unplanned road trip. Not to mention, I don't get to have a day of intimacy with my other half for there already came an angel depending everything on me to live, my son. Since he came, I have been busy attending to all his needs. I have embraced motherhood both with an open heart and at the same time fear. 

I am happy being blessed with a son as beautiful as Cean Drei. He has continuously given me the drive to never entertain complains about my backaches, sleepless nights, thrown tantrums, depression, broken heart and the list goes on. Just to see him grow each day gives me the fulfillment that I did great raising him. Just to see him smile and giggle sweeps away all my exhaustion. He consumes me and my entirety.

Yes, I also fear being a full-time mom not only because he is my first child and I don't have all the know-how's dealing with such a fragile creature but also because I fear that I may not be the best mom he deserves. I mean, I still feel some insecurity being a mom at a young age that I may not be able to go out and practice my profession by the time he can be left at another's care, that I may not be able to provide all my son's needs in  pursuing all his dreams and aspirations as he grows learning more about the world, and a lot more. All summed up, I fear that I may not meet all the demands that a mother should be able to provide to her child. If that would be the case, it would really crush me to the bone.

But hey! It's too early to tell. Every single day is a unique learning experience and with that I get to grow and be more mature towards everything. Since I have embraced motherhood with open arms, my son taught me one of life's greatest lessons which is patience. He has taught me how to be patient that I was able to take one step at a time, that I don't get to force to do things not meant to be done at this time, that I don't get to enjoy now for it is certain that all my sacrifices today will bear fruit tomorrow. 

Thank you my dear, Cean Drei for being my source of strength and determination. You are my life now. If all else fails, I know I have you, next to God. I love you, always, forever.